If that damn nurse tells me to push one more time….I’m going to push her the hell out of this room.
Let me just say – labor is a bitch.
Let me backtrack ohhhh about 30 hours or so because thats about how long I was in labor.
Like I mentioned in my last post, my doctor wanted to induce me on June 29th at 5:00 am. We arrive at the hospital right on time, check in with registration and wait patiently for the nurses to take us to our room. Upon having to arrive at the butt crack of dawn, the fire alarm was blaring – apparently this was a morning routine for the hospital, so that was a little annoying. Also, I was a little grumpy from not being able to eat or drink since 9:00 pm the night before.
After about 15 minutes of sitting through that torture, we were told that our room was ready and made our way to the 2nd floor. We were greeted by a very friendly staff and put into our room. I get settled in and am soon hooked up to all these IV’s and machines that put lord knows what into my body. A nurse then came in to check how far I was dilated, we were told I was about 2 cm and they were going to add oxytocin to my body to help start contractions.
For some odd reason, I was really thinking we would have this baby no later than 9:00 am…boy was I wrong.
So after about 30 min of the oxytocin, I was checked every hour to see how far I had dilated. I was making decent progress, I seemed to be dilating .5 cm every 1-2 hours. So we were hoping at this point she would arrive by mid-morning.
Around 8:00 am I was only dilated at a 5, so I decided to go ahead and get an epidural. A part of me really wanted to see how much pain I could tolerate before getting it, but I had a feeling she would be coming sooner rather than later and didnt want to take any chances. For some reason, I was extremely nervous about getting an epidural – chalk it up to the many horror stories I had heard/read and it was ingrained in my mind that this would be the worst pain ever. The anesthesiologist came in and explained in detail what he would do and how he would do it… honestly it didnt seem that bad. So after rubbing my back with numbing cream, I turned around and said, “That wasnt so bad,” he laughed and told me that he had only applied the cream. I braced myself for the needle, which by the way was the size of a skinny ass arm (not exaggerating)…the nurse had me hold tight onto a pillow and I remember Frank standing in front of me making that “I’m glad I’m not you right now” face. Everyone counted…1, 2, 3 and he stuck that thing straight into my spine – YEEEEOOOWWWWW, I wont lie it did hurt, but only for a few seconds because soon after the numbness immediately took effect. Once that dreadful thing was in, they fluffed about 3 pillows and made me about as comfortable as you can get in a hospital bed.
Side note Before getting an epidural make sure you walk around because once that thing is in, there is no getting up out of that bed. Had I known I would be lying there for over 30 hours, I probably wouldve walked around a bit. Hospital beds are surely not the most comfortable things to lay in.
I remember laughing uncontrollably about 15 minutes later and Frank looking at me like what the hell is so funny, “They must have put some strong stuff in you.” I will say I was feeling a little on the loopy side.
After watching about 6 episodes of Botched, we realized this baby was not coming and decided to take a nap. Besides laying in that bed, with a long needle stuck in your back, not having had anything to eat or drink in well over 14 hours, a nap sounded nice.
Another side note Naps in a hospital are really difficult because nurses are CONSTANTLY coming in and out and in and out and in and out, like a damn revolving door. Its frustrating, but the anticipation that maybe one is coming to tell you its time takes over!
After our depressing nap, around 6:00 pm family started to arrive to come hang out and see if we had made any progress. Unfortunately, I was only at 7 cm. 14 hours in and had only dilated 5 cm total!! I was beyong exhausted and VERY hangry.”
A nurse came in around 8:00 pm and checked to see how far I had come along. I was finally at a 9! Everyone was predicting she would be here by 9:00 pm…well 9:00 turned into 11:00 which turned into 1:00 am. I remember saying, “Ok ok if she comes by 1:00, Frank you will have time to stop by In and out Burger because I am craving a burger, fries and chocolate milk shake” (they closed at 2:00 am). Well, 2:00 am rolled around and still nothing, so I was said, “Thats ok, if she comes by 3:00 then you can stop by Wendys and I can have a spicy chicken, fries and a chocolate shake (they closed at 4:00 am). Still nothing. We had all given up hope at this point and decided it was best to get some sleep. Our families had long gone except for our mothers who decided they would sleep out in their cars, but demanded we call them the minute something changed.
We had dozed off for a few hours and this nurse came barging in about 6:00 am saying it was time. I was half asleep and very drowsy so her coming in the way she did made me very angry. I wanted some water – to which she said no – and gave me a cup of ice chips and a plain purple Popsicle to suck on. Whatever.
Anyway, she checked my insides and told me I was STILL dilated at a 9, but told me I should start pushing. WWWWWHHHHAAATTTTT? I wasnt even dilated all the way, “Is this this lady an idiot” I thought. I didnt know what to do, so I got into position and started pushing. I asked the nurse if I was doing it right and she was very dryly told me I was doing good. Finally, Frank asked if she had ever even delivered a baby before, to which she replied no. So he asked why we are pushing when the Doctor hadnt even been in yet to check and give the go….she seemed really confused (and very young) and was about to say something when another nurse walked in and said she was taking over. WHEWWW thank god because I was about to go HAM on that other nurse for putting me through that bullshit and waking me up telling me to push without any indication it was time.
Janice was the name of our new nurse and she was very thorough – she checked me and told me I was dilated at a 9.5 and we needed to try some exercises with the peanut ball to open up my pelvic and get this baby out. She also said she had called our doctor to let him know we were close. Now this was how I was supposed to be treated.
After about 5 minutes into updating the nurse on everything, I started heaving really bad. I didnt have time to wait for her to bring me a bag so I threw up all over myself. Purple goo went all over the bed, my dressing gown, down my chest…it was so gross. I started crying because I was hungry, thirsty, tired and just downright frustrated. I didnt understand what the hell was taking my child so long to come out. I had not eaten in well over 27 hours and was getting really emotional. The nurse kept telling me it wouldnt be much longer, it was just my cervix wasnt completely opened up making it tough to get her head around my pelvic bone. We also found out – through this woman totally violating my internal organs – her hands were so far up my….ok well you get the picture, anyway she was feeling around and noticed that my child was facing the other direction. She was head down, just not facing the correct way…which would make it more difficult for her to come out because the larger portion of her head was unable to pass through the pelvic bone. She tried putting me through all sorts of various positions with the peanut ball. She had me lay on my left side for 20 min with the ball in between my legs, then my right side. To no avail nothing was happening. So good ol Janice told me that my contractions were starting to be less than 2 minutes apart and that we should start pushing and she would try to see if she could rotate my daughter into a safer position.
Anyway, Janice told me how to push – she said I will count to 3 and you will push for 10 seconds, four times in a row. She told me how to hold my legs and made it very easy for me to understand whatever the hell I was about to endure. So I start pushing – let me tell you ladies, this SUCKED!!!! I felt so out of breath, trying to push this huge human out of my uterus. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry. I wasnt in any pain – thank the lord Jesus for that epidural – but it was the constant pushing and counting and pushing and counting. I honestly felt like my head was about to explode because I was pushing so hard.
My doctor finally came in to assess and get up to date. He was very honest in saying that I could continue with pushing, but that he strongly suggested getting a csection. He said that the baby was fine, but there was a little stress with the heart beat, probably from all of the pushing. Janice told him she was confident she could help me get the baby out vaginally if I did some exercises with the peanut ball. He didnt seem pleased with her suggestion and asked me what I wanted. I told him I really wanted a vaginal birth and he said he understood and told Janice he would give her 2 hours, but after that he was calling it and we would have to do a csection.
I was very adamant about having a vaginal birth.
Frank gave me a pep talk – let me tell you ladies….if you ever decide to have a child, make sure you have a man that will literally love you after this process because honey it aint pretty! Anyway, Frank got down beside me and whispered, “Babe you can do this, I know its hard and I know you want to give up, but you can do this…you are doing so great. I am going to count and you just push and I will keep encouraging you.” I started to cry because I knew it was either this or a csection and I really didnt want to go down that road. So I kept pushing and pushing and pushing…..still nothing. No headway, nothing.
So Janice decides she wants to give me a little break and to put me on all fours. When she told me this I started bawling. I dont know why. Honestly, I felt extremely exposed: my ass up in the air, I havent showered in over a day, I smelled like barf, I was sweaty and hot and my hair was disgusting. I felt so unattractive and was ready to give up. Being on all fours was just the icing on my already floppy, under-cooked cake. I just sat there, on my hands and knees, tears streaming down my face. Frank was like, “Rachel why are you crying, its okay, its okay.” But it wasnt ok….I was at an all time low at this point and felt selfish for feeling so insecure. Anyway, he kept encouraging me, wiping away the tears and telling me he had never known I had this type of strength and it was amazing to see me able to go on as long as I had. He was like “I know you are ready to give up, but you got this, you can do this, just a few more pushes and we are there!”
Janice told me we should begin pushing as the contractions were starting up again. So I braced myself and started pushing. Yall, I have never felt so humiliated in my life. I literally thought I was going to shoot shit out of my ass from all the pushing I was doing. Luckily that didnt happen, but still it wasnt a great feeling. I will say that the “doggy style” position (or whatever it is medically called) was better than pushing on my back. I didnt feel like I had to push so hard to the point where I felt I was about to have a damn aneurysm. After about 10 minutes of doing this, I started to get really pissy. I snapped the nurse and asked where the hell we were at. I had been at this for three hours already and nothing was happening. She kept telling me we were getting closer. I told her I was about ready to give up because there had been no progress. She was very persistent that we continue for just another hour. I told her I would do another 15 minutes and then I was calling it, but she kept pushing me to continue with the process. We were thinking she just really wanted to prove to the doctor that she could give us a vaginal birth since she told him she would make it happen. So she told me to begin pushing and I did about 10 more pushes and started crying because I secretly knew that this was not going down the way I had planned. Janice said, “Okay push one more time.” Frank told her no, that we were done. He was like this woman has been pushing for over 3 hours, we have given you the opportunity to try and make it happen and its just not working, so we are done. Janice was very disappointed and tried to encourage me to keep going. And this is the very point, where I started this blog in wanting to push her the hell out of the room. I was done – in all aspects of the word. Mentally, physically and emotionally DONE. I had nothing left to give. So we called the doctor back into the room and told him we were ready for the csection.
They prepped me, put me onto a new bed and wheeled me into the operating room. There were about 5 different nurses and my doctor in there. The anesthesiologist hooked me up to an IV and informed me that soon I would be feeling really good. The nurses put up this huge blue tarp in front of my head to where I couldnt see anything. My right arm was laid out straight on this weird table thing, where I was given a shot. I felt my stomach being rubbed down with numbing cream and soon could no longer feel anything. I will admit, I felt pretty good and my brain was very cloudy.
Frank came in and sat beside me. He kept poking his head over and telling me what was happening, but I was so doped up I couldnt really focus on what he was telling me. I remember feeling them cutting me, but not really “feeling” it if that makes any sense. After a few minute, I hear this crying, but unable to really process the thought, I sort of doze off. I remember fighting so hard to keep my eyes open. I almost felt like my body was floating off and my mind was fighting to understand what was going on. My eyes felt so heavy and I could barely keep them open long enough to see what Frank was bringing me. He had a baby in his hands…our baby. I remember he had tears running down his face and a huge smile, saying, “We did it, she is healthy and guess what! She was born at exactly 11:11 am.”
Side note 11:11 had always been our thing, long before I got pregnant. Every time we see 11:11 we will make a wish and give each other a kiss or we will text one another to make a wish. It was our thing. So the fact that she was born at exactly that time, made it very magical for us!
I tried to be excited, but the only thing I could think of was, SHIT I am now responsible for a human being. I think at this point I really did pass out. A few seconds later I came too and heard Frank saying he was going to take her to the room to get cleaned up. I remember being scared as hell to see her because I was now officially a mom. I was being wheeled back into my room and the nurses started throwing blankets on top of me. I was shivering so bad. I didnt know what was happening to me. Janice explained my body was going into shock after having the baby taken out. She said that having a csection, the body doesnt realize it just had a baby, so what was once keeping my body warm, was no longer there. An empty hole. I was shaking so uncontrollably. One nurse asked if I wanted to hold the baby and another was telling me I needed to make skin to skin as soon as possible.
I was so doped up and freezing cold I could barely function, let alone hold a baby. I felt like the shittiest human being in the world because secretly I was not ready to hold her…well technically I couldnt even stay awake long enough to do so, but still the nurses kept hounding me. Finally, I just passed out. I forced myself to wake up a few minutes later and got to finally see my baby girl. I wanted to wait to hold her until I was warm enough to get out of the blankets. So I took a small nap while the nurses cleaned her up, dressed her and fed her. I feel like I missed all those firsts moments, but I was simply not in the right mind set to take care of her.
About an hour later I got to hold her! She was so beautiful. I started crying of course because now it was real. I was finally a mom and responsible for this tiny human and she was starting right at me. I never knew you could literally fall in love with someone so quickly. I will be honest though I had NO CLUE what the fuck I was supposed to be doing, but I just went with it.
In the end I went 30 hours without eating, drinking or taking a shower, pushing for 3 hours and ended up having to have a csection. It was well worth it. All of it to have this beautiful girl in front of me.